i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Randomize
