i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
