Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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