I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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