Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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