After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
