Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
