so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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