i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
