Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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