he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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