dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Randomize
