haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You took a bar mat shot.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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