if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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