imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
