Buhtt sex?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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