I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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