i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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