I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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