Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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