Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
