I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
