You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
