Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Just pee around me
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
