I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
