If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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