Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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