so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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