i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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