You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
