You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
nutella sex= disaster
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
