I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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