my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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