I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
