I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
