I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
