I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
