chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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