Where is the hickey?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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