you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
