a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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