im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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