spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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