Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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