after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
