Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
