Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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