Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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