I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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