That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
