Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize