im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
