I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
