you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
