You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
