i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize