Sober January is a disaster.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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