toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
My friends, they love my intelligence
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
